12 January 2007

Paging Dr. Atkins!

This morning I got up and looked in the mirror, the full-length mirror, and then things got ugly…

Strange, unexpected voice from the mirror: Hey, um, listen girlfriend. I don't mean to be rude, but aren't those jeans a little tight?

Me: Huh? These jeans? No way! These are my stretch jeans; They "fit like a glove".

Voice: Oh, I see...Is that why have to unzip them every time you sit down?

Me: OK, so they shrank in the dryer. They'll be fine once they stretch out a wee bit.

Voice: First of all, you never use the clothes dryer. Second of all, if those jeans stretch any more they're going to rip!

Me: Are you saying these jeans make me look fat?

Voice: Nooooooo. I'm saying you ARE fat!

Me: Hmph!

Voice: You've been very lazy and your eating is out of control and now it's catching up with you.

Me: I have NOT been lazy. I did 15 push-ups….um, once...several days ago. Well, maybe a little lazy. It's hard to get motivated to exercise with winter weather raging outside.

Voice: It's snowed once -a whole 2". That's raging winter weather? You have a Nordic Track, a treadmill, an ab-and-back machine AND a full set of free weights in the basement. Why don't you use those?

Me: I get winded going down the stairs…
Voice: My point exactly! Now, let's talk about your eating habits…

Me: Let's not.

Voice: How many veggies have you eaten in the past month?

Me: It's just not natural to eat veggies in the Winter!

Voice: Uh-huh. And what HAVE you been eating?

Me: I take my vitamins every day!

Voice: You're evading the topic…

Me: (pouty face)

Voice: Let's see if I can remember...something about Christmas candy, fudge sauce by the spoon, hot chocolate, peanut butter and graham cra…

Me: They were LOW-FAT graham crackers!

Voice: Twice a day! And then I seem to recall late night bowls of cereal.

Me: 9:30 is late night?

Voice: It is for you! And then, what did you bake yesterday? Were those brownies?

Me: The kids needed a treat!

Voice: Enough of this foolishness, go get on the scale.

Me: No way! I have clothes on AND I just drank 8 ounces of water.

Voice: Get on the scale.

Me: It's just an $8 cheap, inaccurate…


Me: (Scrambles to remove tight jeans while running to the scale) Wait, I gotta pee first…(Gets on scale.) Aaaaaaack!!! (Faints!)

Voice: (with a smug face) I told you so!


Karen Putz said...

I'm going to the Y this afternoon-- wanna join? I had the same conversations in my head this week!

groovyoldlady said...

Sure...I'll meet you there. Wanna stop for a burger and shake on the way? (Stop it, Groovy! Stop it!)

Ballpoint Wren said...

Ha, ha! I am right behind you, Groovy! Or, rather, that is my butt behind you--you thought it was a truck, didn't you?

Carole Burant said...

So you hear those voices too coming from your mirror huh? lol Oh Groovy, I just love the way you write and I could see it all taking place! hehe I think we're all in the same prediction right now, after the holidays and not caring about our diets. And...it's sooo hard to get back to being good!!!! Sigh! Hugs xox

Karen said...

I beep when I back up, which is why we don't have full length mirrors in the house.

I also tried Atkin's but eating all that meat made me smell funny. The hounds loved me, though.