This morning I got up and looked in the mirror, the full-length mirror, and then things got ugly…
Strange, unexpected voice from the mirror: Hey, um, listen girlfriend. I don't mean to be rude, but aren't those jeans a little tight?
Me: Huh? These jeans? No way! These are my stretch jeans; They "fit like a glove".
Voice: Oh, I see...Is that why have to unzip them every time you sit down?
Me: OK, so they shrank in the dryer. They'll be fine once they stretch out a wee bit.
Voice: First of all, you never use the clothes dryer. Second of all, if those jeans stretch any more they're going to rip!
Me: Are you saying these jeans make me look fat?
Voice: Nooooooo. I'm saying you ARE fat!
Voice: You've been very lazy and your eating is out of control and now it's catching up with you.
Me: I have NOT been lazy. I did 15 push-ups….um, once...several days ago. Well, maybe a little lazy. It's hard to get motivated to exercise with winter weather raging outside.
Voice: It's snowed once -a whole 2". That's raging winter weather? You have a Nordic Track, a treadmill, an ab-and-back machine AND a full set of free weights in the basement. Why don't you use those?
Me: I get winded going down the stairs…
Voice: My point exactly! Now, let's talk about your eating habits…
Me: Let's not.
Voice: How many veggies have you eaten in the past month?
Me: It's just not natural to eat veggies in the Winter!
Voice: Uh-huh. And what HAVE you been eating?
Me: I take my vitamins every day!
Voice: You're evading the topic…
Me: (pouty face)
Voice: Let's see if I can remember...something about Christmas candy, fudge sauce by the spoon, hot chocolate, peanut butter and graham cra…
Me: They were LOW-FAT graham crackers!
Voice: Twice a day! And then I seem to recall late night bowls of cereal.
Me: 9:30 is late night?
Voice: It is for you! And then, what did you bake yesterday? Were those brownies?
Me: The kids needed a treat!
Voice: Enough of this foolishness, go get on the scale.
Me: No way! I have clothes on AND I just drank 8 ounces of water.
Voice: Get on the scale.
Me: It's just an $8 cheap, inaccurate…
Voice: GET ON THE SCALE!
Me: (Scrambles to remove tight jeans while running to the scale) Wait, I gotta pee first…(Gets on scale.) Aaaaaaack!!! (Faints!)
Voice: (with a smug face) I told you so!